A Mother's Fight

Tryin not to stress, tryin not to cry,  I ask myself why? So easy for people to say Don't worry I feel your pain Do you? Do you really? I try with all my might,  to look at things in a positive light.   Its not so simple There's people in worse situations Yes I know that But their problems are only for them to bear.   As I look at my baby Tears in his ears, Tubes from his hands, now to his toes He cries out, 'it stings, it burns, your hurting me" There's nothing I can do to take his pain away. 4 days we've been here Great ormond streets the best No we really are putting them to the test. With frustration, fear and anger, he screams punches and kicks. Part of me wants to give him two licks. I know its not his fault So I sit here and lock myself in a vault.   Its too much for me right now Watching him go thru this I know he's getting better I can see the difference already Its all about baby steps.   Home on monday The dr says, great thanks I can't wait. Then it dawns on me, He's still scratching out his skin Until he makes it bleed Grinding his teeth, I can hear them squeak There's not much we can do about that they say If we can get his eczema better he'll be ok.   I try with all my might, I say a prayer asking god Give me the strength to fight.   Its so easy to say I'm alright When deep down inside I'm thinking where am I? The keys in my pocket Too scared to put them in the ignition I feel like driving far, far away I can't do that my baby needs me   A single tear falls from my eye As I realise I better go back inside Back to reality back to pretending everythings alright. Can I really cope? I feel like a joke  

Rastickz needs support

1.Rising

Rastickz started writing lyrics at the age of 17, originally for the Grime and Garage scene. His real passion is his love for Reggae and Dancehall. After years of being around and working with his dad’s sound Article Vibes led me to focus my music career as a reggae rapper and singer, he have spent the past three years working on my craft in this direction. He is inspired by the late greats Bob Marley & Garnett Silk as well as international artists Bounty Killer, Nas & Damien Marley.

As a positive and conscious young man looking out at society today Rastickz established that the young and upcoming generation are lost and need positive inspiration and role models. He uses music to inspire and uplift, to focus and channel their energy into something constructive and productive. His lyrics are for young and old, female and male a universal language for all to enjoy.

‘Rastickz’s The EP’ is just a small sample of what he has got to offer the world. The rest is a surprise. At the moment Rastickz is working on an album by the name of ‘Positive Artist’ which is a variety of genres and styles for everyone such as Hip-Hop R&B, reggae and dancehall. This album will have a few collaborations with some unsigned artists giving a unique flavour to enhance the positive messages within my songs.  

Rastickz is also working on a mixtape entitled ‘Heightz it up”. Release dates coming soon.

Rastickz host’s  a monthly event with Street Vybz in Bradford, for more information contact me.  

Follow me on Twitter: @Rastickz

Facebook:  Tobias Rastickz

Reverbnation: Rastickz

Youtube: www.youtube.com/rastickz

For booking contact Ceciliadowner@gmail.com

As the pressure rises

Today I laughed so hard, my house felt like a home an extra clean ever fresh home filled with laughter and joy...

With one liners like this first let me set the scene.

12 yo in her bedroom singing at the top of her lungs, believe me I didn't know the song.

Enter 7 yo boy

"What's wrong k?" He says so sweetly as a concerned little brother does..
"Nothing why" she replies
"'Cos you sound like a cat" he responds face straight.

From that the running begins and even as I write I'm chuckling to myself. 

A couple hours later, I'm still chuckling and I begin the ritual of the social marketing for my clients and my weekly accounts.

Alls going well until I log into my account. Repeat purchases from amazon as I pick up the phone, take out my earrings, rub vaseline on my face,  ready to go to war go to war with the bank and amazon. I say to myself let me check the amazon account. I call both children in and ask did you buy anything on amazon.

"No mum" 12 yo
"No mum just the free games" 7 yo.

I get into the account check my orders I see 7 pages of in game purchases for simoleons, and sim bikini wear and more simoleons. Totalling £100.33

Even as I think about it I'm trying breathe.

Then the cussing begins. And as I type I ask the almighty father please give me strength. Because right now I cannot change the past but I ask you, please don't let that man the power to torment me  anymore. Why him? Because he bought the kindle fire for this boy in the first place. How did the child override the parental controls? Only god knows he has be banging my head thinking did I leave unlocked. Called my mum  she says she witnessed me parent control lock it.

So anyway im breathing now real slow deep breaths.

I need to release this pressure in my head.... I go the fridge to get a bar of chocolate. .. then I remember damn i'm on this damn diet.

So I storm back up the stairs and here I am talking to u. Wow who would guess I can release by talking to u.

Right now back to my meditation tomorrow I have research to do.

Telly adicts

Those that know me know I'm a bookworm always got a book close to my hand. They also know if you turn on the tv 9 times out of 10 I'm likely to be asleep with 5 mins. I use books to escape from the reality or to get a deeper understanding of people and the world around us.

Recently over the past year I've started to watch shows some of them reality others are entertainment.

And there's one that has caught my eye. Her majesty's service Aylsebury. A documentary series about life in the Britain's young offenders institutions. 

Ive watched a couple episodes and have formed the opinion that as much as the makers in some ways are trying to make it seem like a deterrent for young people, to possibly show them that crime doesn't pay. Its the opposite.

To me all its doing is

a)hyping prison life "only the tough survive and survival of the fittest to gain more street cred for your crew"

b) a majority of the videos they have shown, of the fights, are of the young black boys locked up in there

C) that alot of the boys in prison should really have spent more time getting knowledge and an education than trying to be tough.

D) the youth of today truly are a lost generation, they are misguided,  probably lacking in love and support and need to use the brains that they have to better themselves

E ) there was one black boy that was built like a brick, had a brain like a brick. Like really? If that was my son or brother on the tv speaking and behaving in such a manner I would give him too licks with the dutch pot. I would truly be ashamed because he sounds illiterate, his communication of the way he would behave is disgusting. Although they didn't show him doing any of the things he mentioned, for all we know he could just be trying to hype himself. Of the whole first hour I watched this, he saddened me, I pitied him, and felt appalled all in the same breath.

Come on black boy fix up. Our ancestors are rolling in their graves thinking they fought for us, they gave us knowledge and power beyond the crack and the guns, the hatred and the lack of strength, the gave us community love and family upbringing amongst other things.

It saddens me to know that this boy, and so many of our boys are living up to the stereotype of what the media portrays us, black nubians to be. ANIMALS!

In this day and age our youth and children need to gain knowledge in order to respect themselves.  To gain understanding of who they are and where they came from in order to make the right decisions to protect our future.

Is there really any need for us to continue to desecrate and destroy what little unity we have? Should we not by now be able to stand together to build our nation? Strengthen our children with love, support, education. Should we not be able to break the shackles of hate amongst our own?

I wonder if its because the elders are dying, without handing down our ancestors knowledge of medicine, craft, love and life?

Is it because children are having children? Even as I ask that question, I don't know about that one! When we go back in time and check our family trees our elders were having children young.  The difference is they had family support,  the community raised the child.

Is it a case of "spare the rod, spoil the child" when the government made it difficult for parents to discipline their children without fear or recompense from the autorities of government?

Is it because their are too many single parent homes?

The lack of respect, morals, and so many other thing is being lost.

Even the Street Code has been lost. These youth are out for death, with no respect.  The moral code of respecting even if you dont like but respect was there. Now its every man for himself.

It saddens me. Im truly at a loss for words, can there be enough action to flip the coin and save a generation that's wiping out itself?

When theres something on your mind

Why is it when there's something so important on your mind and you really want to express it but fear of the affect its going to have could so easily change your life as you know it you don't want to?

What is the best way to say it? Face to face, over the phone, in writing?

How long does it take you to say what you have to say? Do you as soon as the thought pops into your mind say it? Or do you think long and hard and then deal with it?

Well for me... I'm apparently a tactless randomn thinker/talker. I have a habit of saying it as I see it and sometimes not at the best of times.

Slowly as I get older I become wiser and apparently the thought to mouth process has got shorter lol honestly I say oh well im sorry if I hurt your feelings but it had to be said. Lol nah I'm not that bad. Well sometimes maybe probably more with outsiders than insider's feelings I take my time and consider the options.

Like at the moment I'm between a rock and hard place emotionally. I got something major going on but really can't make a decision. I've discussed it said some of what I have to say but came out of the conversation still feeling like I haven't said anything at all.  Lol yeah it's one of those days.

I'm not gonna lie I screamed today, I shouted even louder and then I collapsed kicking and screaming like a two year old throwing a tantrum coz nobody gets it. Nobody understands the random snippets from my mind. The torrent of questions, answers and emotions trapped inside this logical matter filled cranium of mine.

I've been that quiet little butterfly floating by not trying to think about anything just busy doing my thing. In a world with so many ying and yang situations out there. I like to stay neutral, respectful,  pleasant and bubbling along to my own song.  Then today all hell broke loose I looked at myself and I saw scales claws and burning inferno of flames raging everytime I opened my mouth. All the frustration  just came out as words on flames.

Lack of communication and misunderstanding, or is it straight up laziness or selfishness from external parties? Probably all of the above! Can turn me into a fire breathing dragon on a rampage a warpath and no one is safe if they speak or breathe the wrong way. Then every tactless indescribable, I don't give a damn about you or your monkey business feelings thought comes out and the target or targets will perish.

I know as you read this your out there nodding your head and thinking yea I know that feeling. A day when everything and nothing can make you feel.... feel... like a fire breathing dragon. Well for me today was on of those days. Then a bucket of I've cold water gets thrown on me... now that I sit back in my butterfly shell trying to find a pretty flower I realise its all burned to a crisp all the easy going floating is over. Its time stop breathe and wiggle wiggle wiggle and feel that jiggle jiggle jiggle.

Lol sorry the music got me all distracted and I lost my train of thought.  Where was I?

Oh yea I was saying people sometimes bottling things up and floating around really doesn't get you anywhere. Take that time before you discombobulate to really think then speak on what's going on in your mind otherwise you will end up surveying the damage of crisp burned out relationships.

Biblical Law vs Government Law?

I have a few things going through my mind. Governmental Law or Biblical Law?

Law by definition "A system of rules and guidelines which are enforced through social institutions to govern behavior"

Rule of Law by definition is "The supremacy of regular power as opposed to arbitrary power" - Blacks Law Dictionary, 9th Edition.

Divine Law by definition is "Any law that, according to religious belief, comes directly from the will of God in contrast to man-made law  . Like natural law (which may be seen as a manifestation of divine law) it is independent of the will of man, who cannot change it. However it may be revealed or not, so it may change in human perception in time through new revelation. Divine law is eternal law, meaning that since God is infinite, then his law must also be infinite and eternal"

 I am using two of the most popular holy books as an example.

First of all lets look at what these Laws are.

God's law according to the Bible and the Qur'an

Although the Bible and Qur'an is full of principles and laws the most fundamental being found in The 10 Commandments. Most of us will remember the most common one's which governmental Law see as a form of Crime. " Thou shall not Steal, Kill, Commit Adultery, Bear false witness against your neighbor." All of which are punishable in the Court of Law. As are they punishable by God.

Others such as Thou shall have no other gods before me. - Although World leaders and, Crime leaders too, do not profess to be God they expect you to hold them in similar regard. They want you to fear them, respect them and when they say jump you in turn must say how high otherwise they will punish you. It is not in their power to give life, but they sure do take life. Pause that thought Even bosses in companies say the same thing. The only difference is the boss can't take your life but, he can change your life. It's all apart of the hierarchy system. Play So as I was saying. Do these people think they are above the law? They may be able to pay through the back door, to avoid punishment. How will they be dealt with in in Biblical law? Can they buy their way out? "Here G take 50 on the back and let that body fall through the crack." 

If you take a look at today's society you see death; poverty and destruction; major segregation between the classes and the people. Can we say this is because of the government's laws and decision making? Would life be better living under Biblical law? 

I have several questions which I would enjoy a healthy debate of views. Tell me what your thoughts are to the following questions. 

I am putting a disclaimer right here, right now, that these are just objective questions of which I do not accept responsibility for any opinions or arguments that people may have when posting their comments.

Figuratively speaking I am simply raising questions that may or may not have been asked before. Some of you may have even had these questions yourselves.  

   I asked a group of people the following questions and these are some of their answers .... 

Everyday each country is controlled by the Prime Minister/President (male or female) and his fleet of cabinet officers and he or she gives orders of how we can eat sleep or breathe or face being punished, some even facing execution.

All day I have been thinking how can one man get away with having so much power?

Corruption - Meaning that it's like a set of mafias, they intend to control the world and assume that what they say should go. It's basically world power. 

Well it kinda depends on the situation in a proper democracy he's elected to do so against outsiders that threaten the cause/operation/country. Other than that fear and power. 

Egotistical mentality

Democracy

Arrogance and no understanding of the laws of the universe

Power influence arrogance ambitions or might. Take your pick.

How can he and his little army terrorize and have up to millions running in fear for their lives?

Because the consequences are crucial if the civilians lose and the people have been brain-washed and intimidated by what could happen and plus the army have all these high powered weapons.

Because the actions of fighting back will be seen as an act of treason, or the actions used to fight back at a time suited to the people may be criminal

Beacuase they are complacent and use to their comforts. It has become a way of life. People back then that voted for this were more involved with politics.

Many things plus if your ruled by your lower nature, its never good. Again those in power have a little more knowledge. So they manipulate the masses, the masses don't know their power so instead they allow themselves to be controlled without even knowing. 

Under developed, out resourced, lack of funds; no ability.

If the world we lived in was governed by Bibical Law or Governmental Law which would make the world a better place?  

Bibical Law: Because the government use their powers to humiliate individuals and then pretend they want this world to be happy and crime free. 

None - Natural Law - we reside in nature.. this law is always there whether we think it is or not. Go back to nature.

Governmental Law - because biblical law infringes on other people's belief. What if I'm not religious? Will I be damned as a result?Will they force me to conform or label me as an atheist and murder me as a result? No thanks. People can get pretty nutty behind religion. There's no true freedom. 

Neither - because the bibical law must up lift people, uplifted people rule. But if you haven't elevated yourself things will go wrong. But if our lower nature is stronger we deal with things in the interest of our lower nature. Are you suggesting that uplifted people should take control of the world instead of the government or God? We are vessels of God. We are made in the true likeness of God. Yes our essential state is the image of God.

Biblical Law is harsh. Muslims leave the middle east to worship in other countries. Shit is real. LOL. Christian bibles are just as hard in law. Government law is flawed but you have a chance to get away. I can't say with certainty the US is a nation founded on spiritual concept a bible based nation.

If we reside within natural law why can the people not make their own choices? 

They can, the programmed mind thinks it hasn't got a choice. Power of thought will go where it thinks.

What do you think will make the world a better place? How can it be achieved?

People seeing what is for themselves. With love and patience and understanding.

What is the difference to be under the thumb of God or under the thumb of the ruler of the country? Do they both invoke fear, laws and punishments? Are there not consequences for all actions? 

Yes but the lord is preaching for equal rights and justice while mankind is all about 'Power, Weath and Superiority. 

You can't touch the thumb of God, s really what's the worse that can happen, whereas North Korean guys can wipe us all out. If you believe in it, the thumb of God is worse because that's moving towards death. 

With the Government you can change things. Religion is unyielding. And they would say, "it has been written"  

Each facet of the law has been handed down by man and enforced by man. The bible was the source of correct knowledge for pagan and lawless people. According to the highest degree of enlightenment those teachings and laws were put in place for unlearned savages who ate raw meat, sexed mothers and aunts, killed baby girls and shit like that.

 

Is it really just and equal rights when there are words such as "I am a jealous God" and people must only worship him otherwise suffer the consequences, if you don't follow my commandments I will punish you.? 

He basically means among mankind, he deserves the respect because he created us, e.g. 'parents and their offspring'

It's an order, a warning to not do something or else. Jealousy is a sin so it makes things weird. They say you have free will but if you use it you'll be damned basically its a catch 22.

Another question if the world were to be ruled under Bibical law with so many denominations fighting to be the chosen one which would be the right one?

" If the world were were truly under bibical standards there would be no fighting. " 

I'm honestly not religious and as I learn more i rally do not hold much weight into it. I think religion came about as a means to control and define life. There is a higher power but don't know what it really is.

In Christianity: If it were meant to be that way when the world was flooded and cleared of all its inhabitants except Noah and his ark, after the mess that was created the first time, why did God not make the world like under Biblical Leadership fully wholly and solely, when he had the opportunity. It was a fresh start? Or is that what is going to happen the next time around? 

Satan raised the claim that God didn't have the right to rule, that humans can rule themselves, and that humans only serve God for personal interest. If God wiped out all humans from the start it wouldn't prove Satan wrong and could also seem to the other angels that maybe Satan had a point. God has now allowed sufficient time to prove that humans can not rule themselves. So when destruction does come, no one can make that claim again as the issue would now be solved. 

- When I read that in layman's turns is God proving a point against his nemesis - like two kids in a school yard "I can do it better than you?" or "I told you so, I knew you didn't know what you were doing?"

He's resolving an issue of universal rulership.

Is each country really ruled by it's Independent Leadership or is it Governed by the few that attend the major summits each year?

What really goes on behind closed doors when the world leaders meet?

Are there any countries in the world living under bibical law or as close to it as possible?

Not countries but people. Have you ever heard of the Quakers? People whose belief system is based on the fundamental principles of the bible. They live off the land, are humble and keep things basic with minimal outside connection/communication. They don't have mobile(cell) phone, internet or tv. They are minimalists. I wonder what life would be like for them? I will investigate in part 2.

As this blog is getting longer look out for part 2 and we shall investigate further. Have a great weekend what's left of it. Signora  

Alone

A Snippet from my mind....

Alone

Can't write sleep can't focus on anything deep.
 
Every night for a week, I lay here awake wondering what's happening to me. Days are nights, nights are days I guess I'll just have to appraise gotta get it under control, the lack of sleep is damaging my soul.
 
Nights alone, what's going on? It didn't used to bother me now I'm lost feeling lonely. Had five days arms wrapped around my teddy bear, my king, my snake. Its hit me kinda late, got me feeling so sad. One day it will come when I'm not so alone.
 
Playing with my toys just isn't the same, doesn’t make me feel like I'm in the game. Normally serves the knock out blow. Can't handle this for much longer. Need to fill this vapor.
 
Dear God, Do me a favor? I ask for things to come together. Help me make this paper. Motivation confidence enable me to be a success as a mother, as a woman as a provider. Let me clear my debts pave my way in this journey on the path the direction you have planned for me. I try with all my might to help those around me. I know everything takes time, so I will be patient.
 
My faith in you will not falter, my hope within will remain alive. Is this path right for me? Lead me to the path you feel I will be great in. Let me make my babies proud, my parents and my friends.
 
Thank you for my life. 

Amen


(c) 2011 C.C. Downer

Valentine's day where it began!

So Valentine's day is officially over millions of couples all over the world are snuggled up holding each other close after a romantic dinner, flowers,chocolate and cards.  So many couples go out on a limb on this day to create that special ambience and declaration of love that I assume they do or should do all the other days of the year.

Fact

St Valentine was..... well who really knows the records show there were three saints in the Catholic/Christian books all apparently were martyred on February 14th. Hmmmm so how did this so called day of love come about?

Well lets find out

BACK WAYYYYYY back in ancient Roman times there was a festival for Lupercalis/Lupercalia, apparently it was a fertility celebration that used to be observed annually on February 15. However the rise of  Christianity throughout Europe saw many pagan holidays being renamed then dedicated to the early Christian martyrs. (Why??, I think I need to investigate further for future posts)

Anyway Lupercalia was no exception. In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius decided he was going to turn Lupercalia into a Christian feast day and set its observance a day earlier, on February 14. I guess he didn't think much of the feast of fertility as he decided to honour Saint Valentine, the Roman martyr who lived in the 3rd century instead. It is this St. Valentine whom the modern day honours.

Hmmm considering there were three St Valentine's what made this one so special? Well let's find out shall we?

There are two different versions of St Valentine's story the Protestant and the Catholic one. At least they both  agree Saint Valentine was a bishop who secretly held marriage ceremonies for soldiers, against in the orders by Claudius II who decided he didn't want his young men getting married and losing focus off the wars and battles he had engaged them inorder to prevent his city fron being overrun.  so he prohibited marriage for young men.

During the lifetime of Valentine, the golden era of Roman empire had almost come to an end.

Valentine being a man of the cloth and a lover of matrimony made it his mission to give couples the hope and faith that they could sanctify their unions with God's blessing.  Although such unions were done in secret word spread like wild fire and Claudius caught the fire and sent his officers to arrest Valentine.

During Valentine's stint behind bars a jailor, who had heard the rumours of Valentine's gift; the power to heal, asked him to heal his blind daughter. As said as done Valentine through faith prayed for the restoration of the daughter's sight.

Claudius II found himself to be impressed by Valentine when he met him. So much so he tried to convert him to his way of worshipping Roman Gods. Valentine declined and in turn tried to convince Claudius to convert him to his religion of serving just the one God. Outraged by Valentine's conviction against, not only, his prohibtion on the ban on marriages but also, his Roman Gods, Claudius II gave the order to execute Valentine.

Throughout Valentine's incarceration a bond was formed between the jailor's daughter. When she heard of his imminent death she was devastated. Apparently Valentine sent her a note and signed it "from your Valentine", a phrase that is still used today.

Historians find the most plausible story surrounding  Valentine is one not centered on Eros (passionate love) but on agape (Christian love): he was martyred for refusing to renounce his religion. Valentine is believed to have been executed on February 14, 270 AD.

This is how Valentine became a patron saint and February 14 became the day for the lovers.  It was acknowledged by young Romans as an annual opportunity to give handwritten greetings to the women they admired. 

Once Christianity got their hands on the calendars it became St Valentine's day.

And you know in modern times any opportunity to make money out of a recognised day the industry will run with it.

Fact

Millions of $£¥€ are spent on this day because it's become an international day of expressing love through expensive gifts because society says so.

Fact

Most men couldn't give a hootniny about this day but they would prefer not to leave their woman upset and angry; because Samantha's boyfriend spent 100 bucks getting the biggest floral display he could find delivered to the office.

They also know the bigger the gift the more chance his woman will pull out that sexy little number and give him some nookie especially since for the past months since  New Year's she's just been too tired.

Women also use this day to rub it in the faces of their man's mistress, side piece, jump off and baby momma, or whoever else he's breaking a piece off to, that you are number 1 and they need to respect that.

If you celebrate Valentine's day, did you know the meaning of it?

People think about it.... everyday should be acknowledged as a day to express your love to your partner. REMEMBER  Love doesn't have a price tag. There shouldn't be any reason to neglect your partner because life is just toooo short not to give your all to your loved one.

How many of you celebrate Valentine's?
How do you celebrate it?
Do you go all out and spend tons of cash?

Guys share your opinion with us I'd be interested to know what you think.

History lesson over thanks for visiting.  Look out for my next "Snippet from my mind"

Oh before I up and leave I want to Congratulate my best friend and her now Fiancé -yup he popped the question on Valentine's Day and she said Yesssssss! I love you both.

My life changed thanks Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension

Day 88....

88 days ago I was admitted into hospital with a major headache. I mean this pain was worse than childbirth, believe me I've been through two labors totaling 45hours and that pain was nothing compared to what I experienced.

I had been suffering from a headache for 7 weeks prior, had just returned from a much needed trip, which was beautiful, only to be in severe agony, excruciating pain that woke me from sleep, had me feeling disorientated dizzy even blurred vision and an annoying sound in my ears that sounded like a wind tunnel powered by my heart in surround sound cinema style.

I took myself to A&E with the hope that they could fix the problem and send me home. After 12 hours between A&E, ophthalmology then back to A&E they admitted me into a ward just after midnight. Where I was given morphine and paracetamol Lol I have to laugh because they may as well not have given me anything. AFTER trying to sleep with my RayBans lol yes its the middle of November however the light made my head hurt more and felt like someone had poured pepper in them. I finally managed to doze off. 

The next morning I hobbled (on my one stick) to the bathroom where I spun and spun. I was dizzy freshened up and returned to my bed. Where a team of doctors were waiting for me.

From that moment things got complicated I was informed I had a condition, they think, called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, for those of you who have no idea what that is in our terms it means "Excess fluid (cerebral spinal fluid) in the head causing pressure on the brain" and the treatment for this will be first stage a lumbar puncture to drain the excess fluid off, then put you on a medication from the diamox family.  What is a lumbar puncture was my first question? Second is there no other treatment? How do you know this is what you think it is?

Anyhoo back to my questions and answers with the team of doctors one of which was a neurologist.
1. A lumbar puncture is a needle that goes between the spinal vertebrae which acts as a tap and drains the fluid off at which point they will measure the pressure. Will it hurt? A little however we will numb the area with a local anaesthesia.
2. Long term yes the diamox should help keep the fluid from building up.
3. Well during my time in ophthalmology I had, had several tests done from drops in my eyes to field vision tests, (previously 2wks before I'd had eye scans, MRI and Photos taken of inside my eyes and the optic nerves/discs) tje results of which said I had Paplidemia (swelling of the optic nerves and discs,  goibg untreated can result in permanent loss of vision) fortunately for me mine was caught early so risks of long term damage at that stage is minimal.)
4. What if it doesn't work? It is pretty safe to do repeat the produce several times as much as everyday if need be. We assure you we are doing all that we can to help. 
5. When are you going to do it? Asap probably in as little as 30 mins.
6. How long does the procedure take 15-30 mins tops including prepation time.

Wow is all I can say within 15 minutes this team of 3 doctors come in with a kittle silver trolley and say. Let's begin. Im like what right here not in theatre nothing. Its perfectly safe to do it.
Yes I was right there on the ward. I can still feel the butterflies anxiety and everything else buildung up. I was on my own. My mum was at work, , and my closest friends in the area were at work. 

I had to curl up on my left side as best I could in my condition which was extremely difficult considering I have a slipped disc which is contracting on the nerves in my right leg. Im laying on the egde of the bed with a pillow between my thighs and a movie on my eeepad trying to distract myself from what these doctors are doing behind me.

The first needle goes in. Omg painful flashbacks of the Failed epidural spinal injection I had in November 2010  to reduce the swelling in my spine. I had already vowed never to let anyone touch me again. Sigh! I jolt and get told to keep still and its only the anathesia. A couple more stabs later I'm asked "Can you feel that" Yes! By this time I'm trying to find that centered peaceful space within me. Ha! I was in too much pain from my back to my head and back again. It was a gladiator battle for dominance in my pain receptors. 

Ok we're going in Ahhhh I bite down on my pillow as they penetrate my spinal column and touch my nerve cords. With tears streaming down my face. In the distance I hear mumblings then a second pair of hands prodding and roughly handling my body as they search for the right spot. They try again. This time they pierce a nerve and I scream out. I hear opps let me try and go get dr blah. .. names I never heard. Then one doctor chick comes and stands in front of me and says "your doing really well, are you ok" fortunately for her my lazers are hidden behind my rays otherwise she would have been sliced and  diced right  there on the spot. Another stab and this one sends a fire of pain down the inner thigh to my foot. I scream again as on the way out the needle scraps another which ripples like a tidal wave in my vagina wall. Then I feel nothing on my  left side. However I feel a gush of heated liquid on my back. By this time my tiny cubicle was full of medical staff. Loads of raised whispers. With the doctor chick trying yo reassure me.

All I could visualise was my back bleeding out. And a pain so great the voices were growing more and more distant as I began to passout. An hour amd forty-five minutes later I hear we better stop now we've caused her quite a bit of distress. Did anyone get a pressure reading? No.

Are you okay? No I can't fell my leg.  Tears streaming from my eyes, my pain levels and blood pressure all high and I couldn't feel my leg. They call back the more senior doctor. Oh did I mention they were all junior Drs. They all roll me on my back and he examined me. I couldn't feel a thing move my leg or even wiggle my toe. 
I send my mum a one line text I need you. 15 minutes that felt like 15 hours later my short lioness walks in as they are still trying to figure out what they did wrong and comfort me. She roars and attacks everyone of those doctors. Demanding answers as to why her cub is so distraught she can't put a sentence together.
For the rest of the day she stayed with me until I was allowed to sit up again after 4 hours. I then had to suffer the ordeal of having to have my legs lifted to use a bed pan. Could the pee come out? No. As my friend calls it I was batty shy.

Skip forward 24 hours

I was transfer to another ward still legless in pain and transferred to another ward where I was given further mri scan n ct scan to check what was going on damage wise.
I was informed I needed togo through the ordeal again.

Attempt number two was successful in relation to gettinga pressure reading which came up as 37 (pressure average is between 16-24) after draining fluid pressure crept back up to 28 which is where they left it however I was still in a lot of agony. 20 minutes into recovery time I was visited by Perry the so called neurologist who told me I needed to lose some weight and dragged me out of the bed and made me stand. All my weight on my weakened right leg he dragged me two steps forward my left leg dead weight in front of my 12 year old daughter and my friend who got the hospital just as they started the procedure.  Yes I wanted to shot him a box and jook out his eyes. 

He tells me there's nothing wrong pushes me back to the bed and walks out.

Onthe 3rd day of more tests my vision is still deteriorating and my head is still in agony. Im informed I need to do another l.p. as instructed by Queens Sq who they were still trying to get to accept me as a patient. L.p. number 3 is a failure and they book me into have the procedure done under xray. The pressure reading is still high. The dr tells the radiologist that its ok for them to Take at least 30ml. So yet again they graze my nerves making me scream again. Ive never screamed so much. He drains 10ml and said  he not doing so much and sendss me on my way. Within an hour as I thought the pain couldn't get any worse it did. Oh my god I couldn't physically move my head I lay in place for hours my brain felt like it was in a vice and was being forced out every opening crevice. My face felt like it was being vaccum sucked into my cranium. I was laying still and the world kept spinning, my vision was a blur and to top it off the doctors kept insisting on poking and prodding me and wanting to test my sight. WHAT HAD THEY DONE TO ME? The pain wouldn't stop they were trying to pump me full of pills that were regurgitating up and down still in one piece my body was no longer fully functioning. I couldn't even drag myself to my comode without being sick. That first weekend of December 2012 was horrific undeniably irrefutably the most excruciating and devastating of my life.

I wanted to see or speak to no one except my dad I remember throughout that traumatic weekend I needed to be curled up in my daddy's arms with him saying it was going to be ok. Unfortunately for us everything that could go wrong did go wrong and he couldn't get to me. He's 100 miles away. My mum children family and friends wanted to see me and I hated knowing that they would see me in that way its traumatising for everyone seeing a loved one in so much pain but not being able to do anything about it.

I later found out I had gone into a low pressure  state and that's why I was so sick. I spent a further 6 days in that hospital before I was finally transfered to queens square in what felt like the longest car journey ever. With total dizziness blurred vision and field vision furthest distance to my half stretched hand I was feeling like u had the worse hangover ever.( Ive only ever had one of those in my life 6 years ago for my 25 birthday. That might be a blog for later  lol)

Upon arrival  at queens square I was taken off all but ine ofmy medications I was being pumped full of at north mid. Including the diamox which was still reducing my CSF. Arrggghhhh imagine it was bad enough how much they had reduced my CSF with the repeated LPs but to continue give me drugs that were msking me feel worse. 

Within 3 days the colour had worked its way back into my skin. My world wasnt spinning out of control as much, I was able to eat more than just tinned fruit and juice. I was now drinking lemon water by the litre and my vision was slowly improving. The swelling around my optic nerves and disc was slowly reducing. The silver lining was beginning to show.

After a week in Queens square  and a total of 24 nights under the care of the NHS I was released to the fresh polluted air of the London streets amd on my way home.

Will I have a another episode.... unfortunately 4.5 weeks after being released and just a week of tolerable ij the background minor bruising headache I had begun to throb and stabbing pains were back. The electrical shock currents were racing through my frontal lobe and the air bubble pressure feeling was back smd kicking. 

6 weeks after the release from hospital I finally had my follow up and was given the news that I needed to go back the diamox as all the symptoms including mild Paplidemia was back and we need to attempt to contain the problem before it spreads.   

8 weeks after release im having foggy days, photosensitivity,  pain and sleep is out the window.

Im having side effects from the diamox like peeing for Britain,  constant thirst, tingling numb feeling in my hands and horrible dry feelibg in my throat.  Gggrrrr sharks or piranhas comes to mind I really don't like taking medicines nor do I like yhe thought of lumbar punctures or severe paralysing pain again. 

How are my legs? Well I've been working with E Hands on Health to rebuild the muscles in my legs, and release the tightness in my shiulders and back in order for me to learn how to walk again. We are unclear how long it will take to regain strength for me to balance unaided.  At the moment I walk with a stammer and my legs have been nick named jelly legs as they shake and are extremely weak when  I take one single step.

Ive fallen up and down the stairs fallen getting out if bed.  It doesnt help that I have tunnel vision amd can't see depth differences. 

How long before I'm fixed who knows.

For the record I'm 5'7 with large boobs, a medium sized waist and I have got curves. When asked the other doctors if I'm obese they all looked at me like I had an alien coming out of my forehead.  So not what they call obese which is a common denominator of sufferers with IIH.

For more information about Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension visit www.iih.org.uk

For information about dealing with sightloss visit the RNIB www.rnib.org.uk

If you live in the london area and are in need of physiotherapy, sports therapy or an aromatherapy massage in the comfort of your own home contact E Hands on Health direct visit
www.massage-treatments.co.uk

I am now having to learn how to live with the changes in my life, the not knowing if I will get better? how long it will take? If ever and just having to deal with rebuildung my life aroud my poor eyesight,  damaged legs and constant daily headaches. Imagine having a constant headache/migraine since the 8 october 2012 to date with no sign of it letting up.

At least now I'm down to three regular medications twice a day with one additional pain killer as and when required. Although honestly the pain killers aren't for the head just for the constant pain in my bsck supported by the constant spasms, shooting pains and burning sensations I get from my slipped disc. The asthma, the carpal tunnel, severe insomnia and raynards are all a part of my life and I'm trying so hard not to allow these conditions to get to me.

Although I'm going through all this I'm truly grateful for the blessings I have in my life, my children, family,  friends and all those thst have truly been here for me throughout the good and bad times. Especially the past 4 months. There are people worse off than me but without a doubt as long as I still have air in my lungs I will not give up. 

I have met so many encouraging people in my life that have and are today still supporting me in this challenging special body I have.

Thanks for reading if you want to discuss and just have a chat I'm here to listen and converse.  If your an IIH sufferer and know what I'm going through I would love to hear from you. Please drop me a line.