It’s been a long time since I last posted, let alone wrote or even thought about writing but today.. I think it’s time to share a snippet from my mind, in a pure unedited and totally raw post.

So much has happened since I last wrote.

Where do I begin,.. or should I just end?

I mean life I’m theory is supposed to be great, I have so much positive things going on.

I opened a nail and beauty salon with my big sister, it’s called Nails and Cocktails, located in Chingford, East London. Our squad is slaying the nails of many Chingford locals, we’ve got an amazing beautician who has the best hands on a female I’ve ever come across. I’m not saying that for saying it’s sake I truly mean it. Then we also make cocktails and mocktaila for those that don’t like Alcohol.

I’ve got a job that has potential and a. It of freedom to do what needs to be done, and somewhat works around this ailing health of mine.

I have three beautiful children that drive me insane but at the same time are the best thing that came out of a bad place in my life.

At this present moment, I can kinda walk,  talk and kinda see, with pending diagnosis and confirmed diagnosis’s I’m pushing through. #gravesdisease #fibromyalgia #gravesopthamology #idiopathicintracranialhypertension that’s trying to come out of relapse I should be grateful that it could be so much worse but I feel so much worse. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Once I get my follow up appointments and results I hopefully will know or potentially can somewhat find a better way of life. But who knows, it currently feels like everyday is getting harder to plaster a smile on my face.

I had to postpone uni for a semester in my final year. I managed to make it through with pregnancy and the birth of my baby but yet this year my final year everything just toppled over. So many times I’ve heard people say “I don’t know how you do it” or “I’m proud of you” or keep pushing through. I’m pushing, I’m climbing and trying to break through that glass ceiling. But every single time I get up another rung some shit happens.

2016 I was involved in another car accident. Like WTF I’m so sick and tired of these MEN that can not control their vehicles. Thank god im so what ok, but mentally I’m screwed. I had only just managed to start enjoying driving again when this ass comes along and ruins everything. Now I battle daily panic attacks, I HATEEEEEEEEEEEE DRIVING, something that I absolutely loved to do from
The minute I was taught. #hewasgoodforsomething now it’s a case of essential drives only and even then I find a way to get out of going. In all honesty aside from speaking to Dr P, I haven’t spoken to or admitted this to anyone. I just look like the bad one that never turns up to anything. The frustrating thing is the psychological aspects are worse than the physical. At least when I’m in pain I can take a few meds and it will ease. But I can’t get out of my head. I feel like I’m constantly battling with myself and the scaredy cat chicken brain of mine.

In this moment, as I type I feel angry and tearful and have such a pain in my left eye I feel like it’s goknv to explode. I feel like if I could wave a wand I will disappear. In this moment I want to scream, I need to shout, I need to escape. But where! Where can I go?

I want to go away without my children but the guilt rides me that they are mine so I gotta suck it up and get on with it. Yet at the same time they can be sooooo ungrateful, unhelpful and very selfish. When do I get that chance! I just can’t keep going on like this. Maybe I should take up that opportunity to go to the facility in Kent. At least then maybe I will come out of my head and escape from being a mother, an employee, and a director. I want to rip my house apart and start again, I want to throw everything in the bin and start again, I wanna quit this mind and start a fresh.

Today I was sitting and flicking through some old pictures of me and question myself all over again. Sometimes I have a nasty thought of why am I still here? What is my purpose because as much as I’ve had some good experiences life hasn’t been easy on me. I haven’t been excited about anything in such a long time. That sense of achievement doesn’t exist at this moment in time.

I’m soooo thankful to my step mom, and Aunty Shaz they have helped me out of sticky situations that no one will understand and I am forever indebted to them.

I feel like my mind is bouncing all over the place. I guess it’s all this bottled up pain I’m dealing with.   All this pretentious behaviour.

I don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️ I really don’t know any more. What is the point? I feel like this all
The time when will it end? Will it ever get any easier? Is there really a god and are you hearing me? If you really are there? I’m
Trying 
I am trying 
Every day I am fighting 
Every day I keep pushing 
I beg for respite in my mind
Focus 
Creativity 
Relief from this ... what ever this is 

I’m done!!!

April Challenge two weeks in...

So its been two weeks since I started my April Challenge of saying Yes to myself and my Royals and what a two weeks it's been.
The first week was half term and the last week of the Easter school holidays.

I managed to keep my Royals real occupied and kept myself out of the house for the most part. YAY Me!

Cinema, swimming, dinner, quality time and family visits including getting my hair done, which was the best feeling ever, I hadn't got my hair done since the end of January so it was long overdue.
Yes very busy and although it got very painful I am proud to say I survived.

This week I've managed to do some reading 3 books in a week. I also managed to do some groceries, clothes shopping once again saying Yes to my Royals and cooked a couple of times. Pitfalls this week, lack of sleep and excessive pain. However, I managed to not resort to my Fentanyl patches for more than three days out of it. This is my last week of using the medication from here on out I have to just deal with the pain.

I promised a rundown blog on my health issues once I get out of my bath I will sit down and write one for you all.

Anyhoo, today being the day of rest and the weather being so nice I want to say these words to you.

"I pray for the brightness of your inner light to fulfil you with motivation, peace and love to find your passions and achieve your goals. Remember that we all need to take a time out from being pushed and pulled in all directions just to say Yes to ourselves." - CCDOWNER

Until next time -Peace and Light

C.C.Downer xxx

1 April 2016 - My time for YES

My Beloved readers, how you truly doing today? 

Today I realised how long it's been since I said Yes, not only to my loved ones but most importantly to myself.

These past 6 months have been yet another major challenge that I never thought I would have to undergo, and at one point I only saw a bleak outlook. However as dark as those days and nights have been I can say I have made it thus far. I'm not going to ponder too much on the darkness of those days, maybe in another post I will elaborate but this post is about saying YES.

You see after purchasing and getting half way through Shonda Rhimes book - The Year to Say Yes back in November last year, I haven't been doing me, I haven't been reading or more importantly writing, I haven't done anything creative or inspiring. All I've been doing is laying in my bed or in the bath literally moping around focuding on my long standing battle with this illness and the complications it is creating for my new life. I've isolated myself from my loved ones, including to a degree my Royals, don't get me wrong I'm doing the mummy stuff but not to the fun and positive way that they are accustomed to. I love my babies with every ounce of my life force and I look at them and know that I cannot give up in this life because of them. They need me.

Anyhoo I'm slightly digressing. For those of you that are battling with a chronic illness you will more than likely understand those moments when you just lay in bed and stare into space and days and nights blend while you remain oblivious to what is going on in the real world. Determination and motivation is a struggle because you know and feel the physical repercussions of exerting yourself is going to bring; so you use the minimum amount of spoons per day to save some for that one day of the month you leave the house or better yet your bedroom. I get it! Which is what brings me to the whole point of this post. It's time to say YES, yes to remembering what you like, love and enjoy, time to really start using your brain and to do more than just stare into space, or scrolling through social media with ZERO satisfaction, or watching boring poorly written TV show after TV show. It's time to put some effort into yourself. Whether it's reading, writing, arts or crafts something you can do on your own for your own peace of mind.

It's the first day of April and I'm challenging myself and you to begin your first steps by agreeing for this month of April to say I AM NOT MY CURRENT SITUATION, I AM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING MORE THAN I AM DOING AT PRESENT, I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSELF THEREFORE I CAN AND I AM MAKING THE EFFORT TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I AM NOT MISERABLE OR DEPRESSED I WAS WAITING FOR SPRING TO KICK INTO MY STEP AND NOW I HAVE IT.

I will say this everyday amongst other affirmations to myself. I am going to stop putting off things for tomorrow that I can do today. Starting with reading, writing and enjoying my inner beauty. I am also going to enjoy my Royals, spend real QT with them even if it's just 30 minutes at a time and make sure they know that I am present. I AM MORE THAN MY ILLNESS which appears to be something I have forgotten over the last 6 months.

I have been up all night with yet another case of insomnia which is part of my unfortunate routine, however for the first night in many months I have actually been productive. I managed to write a page in one of my books that I have had sitting collecting cyber dust waiting for me to find my muse in order to inspire the princesses of this world. The book when finished will be released From Empress to Princess (c) via Triple Infinity Creations. I'm praying I will get it finished and out in the world this year. In fact I am saying YES it will be completed this year!!!! I have also been watching Iyanla Vanzant videos all night and she has made me look into self reflection. I have her books but have not picked any of them up in years. After tonight I believe I need to wake up and truly make the most of who I am.

With all that said my beloved readers, please join me in this challenge and say YES to yourself and don't feel guilty for being selfish in your journey of selflessness.

Peace, Love and Light till next time

Stay blessed

CC. xxxx

Ccdowner's #thoughtoftheday

Often in life we forget the importance of paying attention to those we care about. We fail to be considerate of what they are experiencing, even if it's self inflicted. We forget the key components of the dynamics of a relationship.

As we grow up we come to realise what is and isn't required, right and downright disrespectful not only to self but also to the people we care about.

C.C.'s Thought of the day

As the days go by we becoming older, potentially wiser and  more in tune with one self.

I find through Self Reflection I can defer the negative self destructive feelings that come from beating myself up about things that I have happened.  I now choose to reflect and move on.

I have that Sunday feeling, undergone my Sunday ritual and loved my Royals.

I am teaching them the method of self reflection. It's  not easy but it should aid on their journey and prevent them from growing bitter with time and years of discomfort caused by people around them.

C.C's Thought of the day (#Totd )

Good morning my lovelies,

It's currently 3 am on a blustery winters night/morning here in London.

After just a few hours sleep, which I will no doubt regret in the morning. However my brain has kicked into gear, as I lay with my eyes closed I started processing.  Sooooo what better thing to do then to relieve myself of some of this Mental Pressure and get some writing done.

Have you ever noticed that lessons are not always learned the first time, and will repeatedly try and test you until you actually do learn them. Whether you are doing something Selflessly or Selfishly there is a lesson to be learned.

TAKE NOTE OF THE LESSON THE FIRST TIME IN ORDER NOT TO REPEAT THE ACTION AND REAP THE REPROCUSSIONS. 

Take a look at my picture and tell me whether you agree or disagree, at the bottom of the screen. 

I am in the process of raising my two beautiful children; My Royals, and I believe this is a very valuable lesson. Especially when looked at from a reflective point of view.

I understand everyone deserves a chance, although you have to ask how many chances do they really deserve?

FOR EXAMPLE

A person decides they want to sit their driving test (I passed on my 3rd attempt). Now  the first attempt they didn't practice and knew there was plenty of room for error based on this reason. On the second attempt they studied a little more but honestly could have done better but thought they would stand a better chance. Once again they failed because they didn't put enough effort in. On the third attempt they studied, practiced and put in 100% effort, therefore they knew they deserved to pass, with that they definitely did.

Moral of the story: You get out what you put in.

Another example

There are two people in a relationship: one of them puts in 75% effort, 100% of the time. The other puts in 100% effort, 75% of the time. Does that balance out? Who is to blame for the downfall of the relationship?

Moral of the story: the relationship wouldn't fail if they both put in 100% effort, 100% of the time.

Another example: 

A man gets stopped for driving under the influence. The first time he receives a 6 month ban and a fine. The judge says I have been lenient on you, don't come back.
Less than a year after getting his licence back once again he is stopped for doing the same thing again. This time the judge says 18 month ban and a fine. Next time you will be sentenced to a vacation at her majesty's leisure.
However during the course of that ban the man is stopped again. The judge says you obviously haven't learned anything for my leniency and have a blatant disregard for the law you will receive a 1 year prison sentence and a 5 year driving ban.
Moral of the story: Stop drinking, learn and do not abuse the leniency of someone's chance they have given.

Finally one more example then I will wrap this up.

A man cheats on his wife, she finds out and he denies it. She gives him a second chance. Now a few months later  she finds out he's cheating again. Once again she takes him back. For the benefit of her family and how much she loves him. She disregards the disrespect he has for her and their family. She takes him back. She notices there's no change in his behaviour and it is making her miserable. She once again finds out he's cheating. Deep down inside she knows it's time to let go as he obviously has no respect and is taking for granted and  abusing her chances.
Now she used to complain to her close friend and realised to herself there is no point in crying since she is allowing herself to be abused.
She has 2 options walk away or lay down on the ground and continue to be a door mat. As chances are he will never change.
Moral of the story: Never allow another opportunity to an opportunist they will always take, use and abuse the person giving them a chance.

Some people may redeem themselves however If they haven't done so after the first chance, they are less likely to do so after the second or third. 

Anyhoo that's my thought of the day.

Have a beautiful, productive day. Reflect on what you are willing to accept. Look at the people in your life you may neglect and do not take for granted the second chance you may be given. Ultimately you will regret it in the long run as every action has a reaction .

C.C's THOUGHT OF THE DAY (#Totd)

Today I reflect on my inner beauty, so often we seem to allow people to take for granted our Selflessness. Allowing people is opening up yourself to Abuse.
To settle for less than you deserve.

However in a life where being you is supposed to be the ultimate reality it often feels like being self is a sacrifice.

Don't let a selfish person drain you of your essence eventually you will feel the inner strength to truly break away from all the pain and suffering. 

NEVER LET GO OF BEING YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GREAT THINGS AS LONG AS YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR ESSENCE.

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TELL A FRIEND TO TELL A FRIEND

C.C's THOUGHT OF THE DAY (#Totd)

Each day I have reoccurring thoughts so i have decided to share them with you.

Here's my first on the 12th day of January 2015.

I hope you enjoy reading it, learn and take heed of the message enclosed within.

As the pressure rises

Today I laughed so hard, my house felt like a home an extra clean ever fresh home filled with laughter and joy...

With one liners like this first let me set the scene.

12 yo in her bedroom singing at the top of her lungs, believe me I didn't know the song.

Enter 7 yo boy

"What's wrong k?" He says so sweetly as a concerned little brother does..
"Nothing why" she replies
"'Cos you sound like a cat" he responds face straight.

From that the running begins and even as I write I'm chuckling to myself. 

A couple hours later, I'm still chuckling and I begin the ritual of the social marketing for my clients and my weekly accounts.
Alls going well until I log into my account. Repeat purchases from amazon as I pick up the phone, take out my earrings, rub vaseline on my face,  ready to go to war go to war with the bank and amazon. I say to myself let me check the amazon account. I call both children in and ask did you buy anything on amazon.

"No mum" 12 yo
"No mum just the free games" 7 yo.

I get into the account check my orders I see 7 pages of in game purchases for simoleons, and sim bikini wear and more simoleons. Totalling £100.33

Even as I think about it I'm trying breathe.

Then the cussing begins. And as I type I ask the almighty father please give me strength. Because right now I cannot change the past but I ask you, please don't let that man the power to torment me  anymore. Why him? Because he bought the kindle fire for this boy in the first place. How did the child override the parental controls? Only god knows he has be banging my head thinking did I leave unlocked. Called my mum  she says she witnessed me parent control lock it.

So anyway im breathing now real slow deep breaths.

I need to release this pressure in my head....