Monday 9 July 2018

It’s been a long time since I last posted, let alone wrote or even thought about writing but today.. I think it’s time to share a snippet from my mind, in a pure unedited and totally raw post.

So much has happened since I last wrote.

Where do I begin,.. or should I just end?

I mean life I’m theory is supposed to be great, I have so much positive things going on.

I opened a nail and beauty salon with my big sister, it’s called Nails and Cocktails, located in Chingford, East London. Our squad is slaying the nails of many Chingford locals, we’ve got an amazing beautician who has the best hands on a female I’ve ever come across. I’m not saying that for saying it’s sake I truly mean it. Then we also make cocktails and mocktaila for those that don’t like Alcohol.

I’ve got a job that has potential and a. It of freedom to do what needs to be done, and somewhat works around this ailing health of mine.

I have three beautiful children that drive me insane but at the same time are the best thing that came out of a bad place in my life.

At this present moment, I can kinda walk,  talk and kinda see, with pending diagnosis and confirmed diagnosis’s I’m pushing through. #gravesdisease #fibromyalgia #gravesopthamology #idiopathicintracranialhypertension that’s trying to come out of relapse I should be grateful that it could be so much worse but I feel so much worse. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Once I get my follow up appointments and results I hopefully will know or potentially can somewhat find a better way of life. But who knows, it currently feels like everyday is getting harder to plaster a smile on my face.

I had to postpone uni for a semester in my final year. I managed to make it through with pregnancy and the birth of my baby but yet this year my final year everything just toppled over. So many times I’ve heard people say “I don’t know how you do it” or “I’m proud of you” or keep pushing through. I’m pushing, I’m climbing and trying to break through that glass ceiling. But every single time I get up another rung some shit happens.

2016 I was involved in another car accident. Like WTF I’m so sick and tired of these MEN that can not control their vehicles. Thank god im so what ok, but mentally I’m screwed. I had only just managed to start enjoying driving again when this ass comes along and ruins everything. Now I battle daily panic attacks, I HATEEEEEEEEEEEE DRIVING, something that I absolutely loved to do from
The minute I was taught. #hewasgoodforsomething now it’s a case of essential drives only and even then I find a way to get out of going. In all honesty aside from speaking to Dr P, I haven’t spoken to or admitted this to anyone. I just look like the bad one that never turns up to anything. The frustrating thing is the psychological aspects are worse than the physical. At least when I’m in pain I can take a few meds and it will ease. But I can’t get out of my head. I feel like I’m constantly battling with myself and the scaredy cat chicken brain of mine.

In this moment, as I type I feel angry and tearful and have such a pain in my left eye I feel like it’s goknv to explode. I feel like if I could wave a wand I will disappear. In this moment I want to scream, I need to shout, I need to escape. But where! Where can I go?

I want to go away without my children but the guilt rides me that they are mine so I gotta suck it up and get on with it. Yet at the same time they can be sooooo ungrateful, unhelpful and very selfish. When do I get that chance! I just can’t keep going on like this. Maybe I should take up that opportunity to go to the facility in Kent. At least then maybe I will come out of my head and escape from being a mother, an employee, and a director. I want to rip my house apart and start again, I want to throw everything in the bin and start again, I wanna quit this mind and start a fresh.

Today I was sitting and flicking through some old pictures of me and question myself all over again. Sometimes I have a nasty thought of why am I still here? What is my purpose because as much as I’ve had some good experiences life hasn’t been easy on me. I haven’t been excited about anything in such a long time. That sense of achievement doesn’t exist at this moment in time.

I’m soooo thankful to my step mom, and Aunty Shaz they have helped me out of sticky situations that no one will understand and I am forever indebted to them.

I feel like my mind is bouncing all over the place. I guess it’s all this bottled up pain I’m dealing with.   All this pretentious behaviour.

I don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️ I really don’t know any more. What is the point? I feel like this all
The time when will it end? Will it ever get any easier? Is there really a god and are you hearing me? If you really are there? I’m
Trying 
I am trying 
Every day I am fighting 
Every day I keep pushing 
I beg for respite in my mind
Focus 
Creativity 
Relief from this ... what ever this is 

I’m done!!!